Rant Along: Failure To Launch

Back in 2019, I was really good at setting myself torturous projects. One such project was watching a movie, no matter the garbage-level, and writing my thoughts along with it (just like I did with Rampage). It’s like Live Tweeting but not nearly as effective and with a fraction of the audience potential. Anyway, I thought I’d give this a shot with the unremarkable Failure to Launch and hey, guess what, it was not a fun experience. I’m a fan of cheesy rom-coms but this felt altogether more sinister….

-Matthew McConaughey is REALLY good at playing a bellend. It’s just a natural kind of talent for him, I guess.

-Thank God Kathy Bates is in this as some kind of respite.

-This all feels very unrealistic nowadays. A house that big? On what kind of income?!

-Bradley Cooper as a bit part here. Remember in the early 2000’s when you’d only see him playing the side douchebag character? Man, I wish I were watching Wedding Crashers right now.

-I know we’re supposed to feel all cringey about the 50 y/o woman with a tattoo on her breast but it legit just looks rad.

-Kathy Bates is arguing about what chair to buy and is single-handedly holding up this film.

-They’ve agreed to meet for some kind of date but didn’t specify a time, so I guess they’ll just be hanging around waiting for a few hours? (small pet peeve of mine in rom-coms)

-Zooey Deschannel being equally pre-famous like Bradley Cooper here.

-It’s bizarre that SJP’s entire business is based on emotional manipulation and everyone’s like ‘yep, sounds good!’

-I can’t believe that I haven’t made a note about the main character’s name being Trip yet. TRIP! What’s his second name, Anfall?!?!

-So the Kathy Bates character is asking her 35 y/o son to do some chores and he looks baffled and I’m unsure as to what it is we’re supposed to like about him.

-Trip is a yacht salesman which feels like it should be a red flag to me?

-There’s a live chipmunk on screen for some reason, so there’s that.

-The chipmunk bit Trip (what a mouthful!) and he full on slammed it to the ground. Again, is there anything to like about him or…?

-‘Guys who drink vanilla and cream are not Power Guys, honey.’ I’m calling it for the potential best/weirdest line of the movie.

-Trip keeps shortening Paula’s name to Paul.

-SJP is reacting to the paintball as I would- screaming but determined.

-Okay, I think I have it. We’re supposed to see Trip as naïve and emotionally vulnerable to Paula’s schemes and that’s why we like him? I’m stretching there, he’s mostly coming across as an unbearable cock.

-Trip gets to be emotionally stunted AND friends with a dolphin? That’s not fair.

-Oh, the dolphin’s attacking him. The rate at which wildlife goes for this guy is yet another red flag.

-Trip is genuinely baffled by Paula being nice to him about living with his parents. But is turns out that Paula is OF COURSE lying. Because no one would EVER be nice about things like that!! (Does the writer of this movie know polite people exist in the real world?)

-What even is this side plot of Zooey Deschannel and a bird? It’s gotten a crazy amount of screen time.

-Casual scene of an American walking into a gun shop and buying a gun in that normal, usual way in which we all go to our local gun shops and buy guns.

-SJP on a fake date with poor, unsuspecting Patton Oswalt. She’s coming across as a really nasty individual (and I suppose an excellent choice for Trip).

-The director has a really screwed idea of wildlife and what it is and isn’t capable of. Also, I just don’t get the symbolism here. Is Trip secretly the devil or something?

-Turns out Trip is actually a really Nice Guy because he’s friendly with a kid whom he doesn’t have to even financially support. Wow.

-I was genuinely confused about which character Paul was just then until I remembered that fun nickname.

-If I ever want to seek some sort of revenge on someone (unlikely but who knows) I think I would also dress it up as an extravagant, lavish meal and passive aggressively serve them delicious food whilst revealing I’m in on their lies. Kind of like that scene in Peep Show where Mark buys Jeremey a load of Indian takeaway. Except that was hilarious and good to watch and this is... not.

-Trip is comparing Paula to a boat. Again, are we genuinely supposed to like this guy?

-A fucking lizard now?!

-They absolutely had some sort of writer’s meeting where they had to come up with animals that would look funny attacking Trip and I really wish they’d just shelved the whole concept.

-Apparently, this happens because Trip is ‘at odds with the natural world’ which is like okay, since when? I thought he was just lazy and uninspired? WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

-‘Being alone with your father freaks the living shit out of me.’ Kathy Bates you are wasted here.

-The team of supporting characters are working together to mend the relationship between the two most self-centred people in their lives. Hope they’re okay with the favour never being returned.

-‘I can get out of these ropes.’

‘You can’t even get out of your barbeque apron.’

I can see sprinklings of a once-funny movie here.

-The film literally ends with a shot of McConaughey having an intimate moment with a dolphin. Brilliant.

And there you have it. If you haven’t seen the film, I’d only really recommend watching it if you’re performing some other task simultaneously to keep yourself entertained like crocheting or calligraphy or have had plenty to drink beforehand. It isn’t even bad enough to be entertaining, it’s just not very good.